Parenthood brings a lot of changes, including changes in your partnership. Followers over on You, The Mother Instagram shared that some barriers to intimacy once they entered parenthood included feeing touched out, the mental load, body image issues, communication issues, and more.
In this week’s episode of the You, The Mother Podcast, I welcomed Vanessa and Xander Marin to discuss why these changes happen and how we can navigate them. Vanessa is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a Master’s degree in psychology. A huge part of her educational and clinical training was with kids and families. She’s worked with thousands of families, and have had the opportunity to test and refine all of her strategies. Together with her husband and “normal dude,” Xander Marin they have created courses, a podcast, and valuable content for parents and adults to keep the spark alive in their relationships. They recently released a brand new product called MILFs, DILFs & PILFs (AKA Rediscovering Intimacy And Sex For Parents!). Their mission is to support families and to stop the generational shame cycle around sex.
What is intimacy and why does the spark fizzle out?
Vanessa says she likes to think of intimacy as two twin flames. Physical and emotional intimacy, it’s what we do with our bodies, but also the way our hearts connect, and we cannot have one without the other.
Why does the spark fade?
Vanessa starts by saying, “let’s normalize that this happens in every relationship. You are going to have at least one season of your relationship where it feels like that flame is starting to flutter out. It’s important to know that a lot of this is chemical. The neurotransmitters that make us feel like falling in love is a high, they make us feel so close and so connected to our partner, but those only last about one-two years. We are physically incapable of maintaining that irresistible feeling that we have for one another.”
And aside from the science behind why the spark seems to fade Vanessa shares that there are lots of other reasons including stress, kids, not sleeping well, relationship issues, physical issues, and mental health issues. All these reasons can affect the physical intimacy we have between each other. It’s a very vulnerable thing that we have between us and it’s very easy to flicker out.
Xander also adds that one person may prioritize one form of intimacy over the other and so often we tend to be opposites in a partnership. Once these things stop coming naturally, during the high of the beginning of the relationship things can turn into a deadlock of “I’m not giving your preferred type of intimacy until I get my preferred type of intimacy.” “I need to have sex with you to feel close to you – well I need to feel close to you to have sex with you” predicament. You can start to feel like roommates over time.
During the postpartum period we so badly want to return to our old selves. Our body, feeling like ourselves, and our relationship. Maybe this flame flickered out before this new addition to the family, but now it’s magnified with postpartum. If you are feeling like your relationship is not as fun and exciting as it used to be and now, you’re disappointed, you’re not alone. In fact, Vanessa and Xander share that most couples experience these feelings whether children are added to the mix or not.
How do we come back to one another and navigate mismatched intimacy needs?
Vanessa shares that, “a lot of us long for the beginning stage of the relationship. We can’t go back, but we can redefine what our relationship looks like at different stages of life. You can mourn that phase being over, but that can’t be the goal. Recognizing that there is not going to be equality in the relationship. It’s 2022, we want modern relationships where we are equals, but the reality is that there is no way for things to be equal in parenthood especially early parenthood. This causes couples to struggle with the imbalance. Shifting the perspective to what the balance is and recognizing that it’s not 50/50 can be helpful.”
Xander continues that acceptance is key. “Acceptance that it’s not going to be equal and acceptance that it’s not going to go back to the way things were when it was just the two of you. It’s ok to mourn that part of your relationship being over and not being able to go back there, but once you can accept that, it allows you to look forward and start having conversations about dividing tasks and having fun during this season.”
How do we revamp our sex-life/intimacy?
When I polled this community over on Instagram, the majority of you stated communication helped revamp your sex life! Well, you weren’t wrong. Vanessa says, “communicating with your partner where you are now. A lot of women report feeling touched out. While our partners will not understand because they will not have this physical experience themselves, communicating that to your partner to explain what you are going through. It’s important to have these conversations when we aren’t in moments of overwhelm.”
Xander agrees it is important to have these conversations during calm moments rather than, “I’m overwhelmed, I’m touched out, you are never going to understand.” Shutting down the conversation can cause your partner to withdraw.
You can communicate your experience by describing your day, the sensation, the sensory overload – they may not be able to fully understand, but just explaining why/how this is getting in the way of intimacy. Share with your partner what your goals are. Instead of, “I’m touched out, I don’t want anything to do with your, leave me alone.” Start with, “You are important to me, our relationship is important to me, our intimacy if important to me, and this is something standing in the way of me having that with you.” It’s not the lashing out and this is hopeless narrative, but rather communicating I want that intimacy back with you, is important.
Vanessa also shares that a huge piece of this is the importance of reconnecting with yourself. You cannot go from feeling touched out to craving touch and contact with your partner without you having time to reconnect with yourself. The feeling of being touched out comes from the feeling of your body not being your own. Allowing yourself space for a break can give yourself that feeling. You must start with connecting with yourself.
How do we reconnect with ourselves?
Vanessa makes it easy! I’m talking literally a couple of minutes of alone time. We know parents are busy and self-care can feel like “oh I need to go for a spa day, it’s going to cost all this money, and take all this time.” Let’s be practical and realistic. Start with 1 minute of alone time each day. No light, no sound, no phone, no distractions – you are just spending 60 seconds each day with yourself. Your partner should support you in allowing this time for yourself. Communicate that this is a need you have with your partner.
Xander makes note for the partners, “this is a very manageable way to support her, and this is going to pay off for you too.”
I do want to emphasize the importance of acknowledging the load your partner is carrying. While it may not always be 50/50 in our partnerships, just listening and being in it with each other is important and makes you feel less alone. Communicating our needs and our experiences is so important for our relationship, but it is also important to validate and recognize our partner.
Xander agrees, saying that, “men tend to go into problem solving mode, but instead need to take a step back a lot of times and just listen and acknowledge their partner’s experience.” And Vanessa says we can accomplish this by, “telling our partners what we want/need from a conversation. ‘I’m going to vent about something, and I just want you to listen.’”
And circling back to that important alone time! Vanessa says, “schedule that alone time into your day where you know it is consistently on the schedule and you both can make it happen.” “Literally put it on the calendar,” Xander adds. Vanessa knows life happens and things fall off from time to time so, “give yourself grace when it doesn’t happen. Come back and make it happen tomorrow. Don’t throw in the towel.”
Scheduled Sex?
Vanessa says, “we do recommend scheduling sex. If your think back to the beginning of your relationship you were scheduling sex then too, it just wasn’t on the calendar. But you had designated date nights where you were seeing your partner and you would get yourself ready or in the mood. Scheduling sex now can do that same thing. You can still make it fun and playful! We have a whole masterclass on this.”
It’s so true you deserve to still feel sexy. Taking that time to create that is fun!
Are there ways to bring back some of those old feelings?
Xander suggests, discussing favorite past sexual memories or recreating favorite experiences.
Not being able to discuss sex with anyone is lonely. Let’s open these conversations with our partners.
Check out, Rediscovering Intimacy and Sex for Parents – MILFs, DILFs, and PILFs! Vanessa and Xander’s course with practical techniques that’s people can use. How to be a self-care team with each other, mental load, feeling touched out, and how to create connection with one another.
Check out Vanessa and Xander on their website at www.vmtherapy.com or over on Instagram at www.instagram.com/vanessamarintherapy !
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
