On this episode of You, The Mother Podcast, I was able to speak with Kailan Carr, a mom of two who is passionate about screen-free activities and learning through play. She is a former teacher with a Masters in Literacy, who founded Quiet Book Queen & Crafts in Between to help parents and grandparents provide screen-free activities for their little ones in an easier, more cost effective way. Kailan shares with us that we are parents and not the cruise for our children and why it is critical for child to be bored. So many of us fall into the comparison trap on social media watching friends, family, and influencers sharing their amazing adventures, crafts, and activities with their children leading us to think “we should also be doing something ALL of the time.”Kailan walks us through how we can get our children playing independently and how we can foster creativity and independence. Let’s dive right in to learn how to stop feeling the pressure to make every moment magical.
First, let’s quickly understand what are quiet books, the product behind Kailan’s business.
Quiet books are a felt activity book that have around 16 activities all one place that help a child work on their fine motor skills and imaginative play. These books can keep kids so busy and engaged without a screen. Kailan saw how much her kids loved quiet books but she knew how much time it took to create one, so she organized an event with friends to create them and it went over so well, her business was born!
So now let’s dive into the issue of today. So many mamas are guilty of being the cruise director for their children. Us moms are in a generation of a serious social media comparison problem. We are inundated with real time posts from people sharing all of the amazing activities, outings, trips and more that they are doing with their children. It feels like parents never stop and children’s days are filled with constant plans. And as a mother, you want to match or beat that leading to a dangerous compariosn spiral.
Your social media pages are filled with constant ideas that you know you can execute to provide your child with grand experiences. It is almost a case of “Keeping up with the Joneses” because not only are you seeing these feeds in real time, you also feel the need to share posts of your own children doing the activities you planned. The feed becomes innundated with what everyone is doing at all hours of the day and it can feel impossible to keep up with.
Realize this is NOT necessary. We get this idea that you need to fill your child’s day with constant activities, but kids need to learn how to play on their own. We experience guilt when we tell our kids no we cannot play with you however, what they really need is for the adults to take a step back and give them time and space to play and they will learn so much.
Guess what? You do not need to play with your kids at all moments of the day. There are so moms who just truly do not have the time to play with their kids and also there are some moms who just honestly, do not want to. There are moms where playing is not really their thing. Maybe you are a mom who isn’t into imaginary play but give you a craft or a book to read to them and you are all in. And that is okay. While imaginary play is so good for your child, they can learn to do it without you and vice versa, if crafts are not your thing, they can learn to be creative on their own as well. As a parent you need to lean in and do with your kids what you like to do. Include them in your interests and and those things you do not enjoy, doing, guess what, that’s fine too. Your child will either ask someone else in the family to do certain activities or take them on themselves and that is completely fine.
Us moms can really struggle to set up these independent play moments. So how do we make this easier on ourselves and give the kids the space to play on their own?
While those Pinterest perfect playrooms look amazing, they aren’t always it. Kids want to be near their parents. People sometimes mistake this with kids always needing to play with them, but the reality is kids just love to be near you. So let them play near you! Set up their play kitchen near yours so you can cook together, or have set drawers or baskets in dedicated areas of the house with toys just for that space. Need to get ready for the day, keep a few toys in your bathroom that will entertain your child, or have some ready to go in spaces where you are most often doing household chores. While it may stress you out not having toys in one dedicated (photoworthy space) realize that especially in these early days, this is your childrens house and toys will be, well ALL over the place.
Another great tip is to fill your home with open-ended toys. Toys with batteries, lights and sounds, tell kids what the toy wants them to do. But open-ended toys such as blocks, magnetic blocks, baby dolls, cars, mini-figures, etc., are activities that a child can do whatever they want with it for however long they want!
But what do you do when you get the “I’m bored” tantrums and not just throw in screen time?
Kailan says to welcome it. It is hardwork to be a mom with young kids having to create a dynamic without screens. Her main goal was to keep screens at home. She wanted to teach her kids how to experience the world outside their home without a screen, i.e., how to act in a grocery store or restaurant without a screened distraction. If you put in the work early to teach your kids how to entertain themselves, they grow into bigger kids who know how to play without having the “I’m bored” meltdowns.
What are some quick responses for when kids say I am bored?
“Lucky you, you get to decide what is next!”
“Okay, that’s a feeling, it’s okay to be bored, plan out what you want to do.”
“Oh you are bored, now you can help me with XYZ!”
You may be thinking, “oh no, I have allowed screens outside the home but I want to change that!” Here are a few tips to transition away from the screens outside the home.
First and foremost, realize there are seasons of life when you use screens more than others. Remember, technology is a tool that can be so helpful to you as a parent when you need entertainment for your children. But, also remember YOU are the parent and you can change things when you want and create new rules. Have a reset – go cold turkey. Tell your children that limiting screens is not a punishment, however you are implementing new screen time rules. Always have a plan, activities to do in the interim and outings to go on where you can get away from the temptations of a screen. Also know that there may be tantrums and behaivors that come about with a screen limit. Unfortunately screen time gives kids a dopamine rush, and much like a drug, this is a habit that can be hard to break.
Focus on out of sight, out of mind, Hide the remote and the Ipads and take this time to focus on being a family. Let everyone know the reset is not forever, but it gives you a chance to reintroduce the screens in the limit that you want.
We avoid our kids uncomfortable feelings, boredom, sadness, anger. We tend to shut these things down, but it is important to remember that these feelings are normall, needed, and a part of life. It is okay to lean into these feelings now because you will have them their whole life. At the end of the day, it is so important for kids to be bored, because boredom promotes creativity and delayed gratification, teaching children they don’t need something in an instant.
So turn off those screens, and hop off that captain’s deck mama, it is time for your kid’s to steer their own ship!
You can find more support with getting your children off the screens and independently playing over on Kailin”s website ! A bundle of printable FREE screen-free activities pop up when you go the the site. Also, be sure to connect with Kailin over on Instagram!
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
