Sometimes my expectations are my worst enemy.
There are many messages women receive prior to entering into motherhood. There are many messages women receive as expectant and new mothers. There are many messages women receive from people on the Internet who “aren’t parents, but…” have an opinion about things they know nothing about.
And there seem to be a lot of expectations of motherhood…
The myths, the perceptions, and the ideas…
Perpetuate from one generation of mothers to the next.
These expectations do not do any expecting or new mothers any favors either. Some may even lead to feelings of disappointment, inadequacy, loss of a joyful experience, and shame.
What are some of the unrealistic expectations that mothers continue to be bombarded with?
- Child Birth
We continue to keep the whole truths surrounding childbirth under lock and key it seems. The expectations of how one’s birthing experience will go often times leave little room for flexibility leaving mothers devastated when things do go off plan. From natural births, C-sections, tearing, the length of laboring, and the strength it takes to bring a child into the world… the expectations and the realities are not always in line.
- Breastfeeding
Many women start their breastfeeding journey excited and ready for this beautiful bonding experience with their baby only to be met with crushed expectations. The information regarding the struggles, supports needed, and the different emotions associated with breastfeeding are still in need of much spotlight for our expecting mothers. Messaging surrounding breastfeeding leads mothers to believe that because it is a natural function of the body it comes naturally. However, many mothers find themselves in situations where this most definitely is not the case. Between low supply, having to supplement, not meeting the duration of time they thought they would, and many other feeding issues, the expectations of breastfeeding need better communicated so mothers can utilize supports and education early.
- Sleep
Why are we not talking about how much of new parenthood is fighting little people to sleep? The sleep deprivation is real for new parents, which makes the unsupportive messaging even more overwhelming, and anxiety inducing. New parents welcome their babies into the world and it is almost immediate that friends and family being asking if the baby is sleeping through the night yet. Parents are left on the fight to get their babies to sleep and feeling like failures when their babies do not sleep through the night. Should we do sleep training? Should we hire someone? What if we fill their bellies more before bedtime? What about the different sleep contraptions? Can we all agree to ditch this expectation? I personally think it is one of the most unrealistic expectations we have for babies and new parents. Not all babies sleep through the night. If nursing your baby or rocking your baby to sleep works for your family, do it. Stop measuring parent’s parenting skills by how or how much their baby is sleeping.
- Postpartum Weight Loss
In my hospital bag with one of children, I packed a pair of pregnancy leggings. I remember after the birth of my child, resting and recovering, going to get a shower and get cleaned up. As I went to put on the only pair of pants I had packed (this was not my first child so I honestly have no excuse for this) I was horrified to find out that my pregnancy leggings didn’t magically go back to fitting. This is an extreme example as this is probably more attributed to pregnancy brain than my expectations, but it can feel like this at times. It can feel as though as soon as we give birth our bodies should magically “bounce back” and continue on as if a human never once lived there. In reality, a human did take up residence there for several months, and our postpartum bodies, they are different from the body we had before and they are different from one another.
- Postpartum would be easy
I mean, who doesn’t love babies! I wanted a baby! The movies all show mothers in love with their babies! – and all the other things we tell ourselves when we are guilting ourselves with just how hard this is and why this isn’t coming natural for how it appears to come for everyone else. We expect as mothers to have a bond with our baby from day one. We expect to instinctively know what to do and how to meet our babies every cue. These expectations can be overwhelming and can increase symptoms of anxiety and depression. Hey mama, if this transition comes with a learning curve and isn’t easy at first, you aren’t alone and you aren’t a failure.
- The Village
Our modern motherhood has evolved from the past generations of mothers mothering in villages or surrounded by communities of family and other mothers. Our modern motherhood has moved us away from family, kept grandparents working longer, or created more independence between the generations and moved us away from the village like construct that once was. However, the idea of the village still remains. These expectations are rarely communicated which leads new mothers with feelings of hurt and disappointment. Maybe you have found yourself struggling with thinking your parents would be more involved, your friends would want to come see you and your kids, or you would have supports who offered to help rather than having to be asked. It not only takes a village to raise a child, but it does take a village to raise a mother as well. The village of the past generations of mothers may be lacking in modern motherhood, but we can intentionally create a village that benefits our motherhood journey. Sometimes the village isn’t the one you expected, but rather the one you created.
- Husbands being more involved/helpful – that our marriage wouldn’t be rocked by a baby – 50/50 partner – intimacy after baby
There is no denying it, bringing a baby into your home rocks your marriage. The once couple that could cuddle up, enjoy moments together, and have space to nurture their relationship are now on a transitional path to finding new ground to grow their relationship. Through the sleep deprivation, leaky boob, hormones and the navigating this new world, many couples find their expectations completely rocked. “I thought my husband would be more involved. I thought there would be more 50/50 parenting. I didn’t expect intimacy to be so hard after baby.” These are just a few of the expectations surrounding our husbands I have heard from fellow moms. Luckily there are some amazing experts in this field to help
- More time and energy for myself
Could you have ever imagined how little time one could have for themselves prior to children? Could you have even fathomed that it would be hard to go to the bathroom, eat, shower, and meet your own basic needs if someone had told you? So many women find themselves losing themselves to motherhood, and while some welcome the transition there are many aspects that are hard to navigate. Maintaining friendships, maintaining a sense of self, or maintaining your actual self, it really gets tricky. Being really intentional with your time and scheduling yourself can help, but this is an expectation that is so hard for so many mothers.
- That I would love it all the time
Enjoy every moment, it goes fast! – and all the other guilt inducing messaging mothers receive. Hey mama, if today was hard, if that tantrum was not a moment you loved, or if you do not enjoy the nighttime feedings, you are so not alone. You can love motherhood, you can love your children, but you do not have to love every second of it to be a good mom.
Let’s not lower our expectations, but let’s get more flexible with our expectations. Life is all about how we handle the curveballs. Keep it moving mamas!
