This week on the You, The Mother Podcast, I was beyond excited to welcome Libby Ward. Libby is a content creator, speaker, and mental health advocate with a deep commitment to breaking cycles of trauma. Libby shares with us how struggles show up in our motherhood and what we can do to help navigate these struggles. Libby talks about her experience with mom rage, mental health issues, being the default parent, and more to normalize that motherhood is hard, and how to create opportunities to struggle less. This conversation was one I could relate to in so many ways and I know there are so many other moms who can relate to and take something away from Libby’s wisdom and advice.
Libby is a mom of two littles ages, 6 and 8. She shared how those little years were so very hard and she struggled with postpartum depression, mom rage, overstimulation, and just about every thing that moms can struggle with. She describes this as an extremely rough struggle for about five years where she didn’t feel like she had anyone in her life who could relate. She didn’t hear other people talking about these same issues she was going through and she felt isolated and alone, like something was wrong with her and that she was a bad mother for experiencing all of these issues and thoughts. Enter the pandemic.
In March 2020, when the world was shut down due to the Covid-19 pandemic, Libby learned about a social media platform known as TikTok. She fell in love with the open and honest conversations that were being had on this platform specifically those that were sharing about the struggles of motherhood. She found and connected with a specific group of users who were describing their journey as cycle breakers. She identified with them and knew this was her calling so she started her own content creation journey. She now creates and shares videos about her own motherhood struggles and successes. She makes videos that sometimes make people laugh and other times make people cry but through them all she focuses on encouraging and empowering moms.
So let’s dive in first with what are some of the struggles mom’s face?
There is truly nothing that can prepare you as you enter into motherhood, It can be so lonely, isolating and shameful to feel the early struggles when you become a mother. When Libby had her first baby, she recalls being so adamant about the type of parent she was going to be, and how she would parent her firstborn. She remembers being extremely intentional about the mom she was going to be and was happy to be that type of mother at first. But then, after welcoming baby number two, she noticed motherhood became really hard and she became triggered and reacted in all the ways she did not plan on doing as a parent which caused her to not recognize herself and she didn’t know how to get back to who she was.
When moms start reacting in all of the ways that they did not plan on when they first entered into motherhood, it can be triggering and cause them to enter into the deep motherhood struggles. But truthfully at the end of the day we cannot stop our natural nervous systems and physiological responses to things happening around us. There will be triggers, there will be struggles, and it is all apart of the journey.
So now we understand that moms will get triggered which can turn into mom rage, and consequently turn into a mom guilt. What do we do when we enter this awful cycle?
Simply put, mom rage can turn into mom guilt that then turns into a shame spiral. Mom’s enter a funnel of thinking everything wrong they have done. “I am not patient enough. “I am not loving enough.” “I am not trying hard enough.” “I do not have enough energy to parent.” And the shame phrases continue on and on. Mom’s feel guilty for having basic human needs like the need to eat or rest or wanting quiet every so often. This, Libby describes as stupid guilt- it is guilt you cannot control, you have human needs because well, you are a human.
But there is a different type of guilt that is important for moms to understand and that is productive guilt – the guilt that comes from parenting in a way that doesn’t align with your value system. This is where we choose to give ourselves grace and apologize, learn tools to cope with this guilt and repair with our kids. When you look at this guilt, rather than go down a shame spiral, think how can I take this guilt and turn it into something good, how can I repair things with my child when I have experienced my mom rage moments.
Unfortunately, there are many barriers to getting help, so what can we do?
When you become pregnant or have that first baby, you spend time reading the parenting books. But those books are all focused on the children and how to parent and what to do and what not to do as a parent. But you will be hard pressed to find a book that acknowledges just how difficult parenting can be. These books can give a step by step guide on what we should do as parents, however it does not take into account the capacity of moms. It is a harsh realization for mom’s to understand just how quickly their cup fills up as a new parent. And as your child grows, you cup fills up quicker and can lead you into those mom rage moments. You say something or react in a way because you are at your capacity.
A mother’s socio-economic status can create barriers that make it so difficult to have the help that is needed when parenting. Maybe you are a mom living in a city that isn’t safe to just head to the playground, or you are so desperately looking for that village everyone talks about but it is not accessible to you. Perhaps, it is the lack of childcare or parental leave that is contributing to your struggles in motherhood. Libby often encourages mothers to look at their circumstances. Everything around you can lead to how you react to your motherhood struggles, the support from your partner, your support system outside of your household, finances, health and mental health status, the number of children you have, your past traumas (unfortunately, when you grow up in a traumatic environment with narcissistic parents or toxic parents, you can have the best of intentions, however your nervous systems were trained in a certain way for 18 years.)
You can receive parenting advice all day long but if you don’t have money, support, or mental health resources, it can be really hard to get through this journey of motherhood struggles without help.
So now that we know about the mental load of motherhood – how can we manage the load a little better?
The mental load of motherhood impacts women everywhere and there is a significant relation to mental health, the ability to practice self-care, the ability to parent the way we intend to, and show up in our relationships the way we want to. Mother’s have a constant to-do list running through our minds at all time. This mentally draining to-do list can make moms struggle with being present with our kids because we are always thinking about all of the other things that need to get done. There is nothing wrong with you if you are feeling exhausted by the mental load because the mental load is heavy.
If you want to lessen the mental load, it starts with being intentionally aware of your capacity. Sit down, look at what your support system looks like, what type of partner you have, what needs your children have, your mental health needs, what stage of motherhood are you in, and in looking at it all, you can say “what can I realistically expect of myself.” There are things you feel like you have to do or motherhood expectations you need to meet, but you really don’t need to if it exceeds your capacity. There are always the tasks that have to get done, but it is so important to recognize there are extras that you can get rid of if they go beyond your capacity at your current stage in parenting.
Think about it like this: What do I absolutely have to do, and of the things that I don’t have to do but are choices, what do I have the capacity to do? What I do not have the capacity to do, I can get rid of or at least lower my expectations for these things to lighten my mental load.
Motherhood can be so much fun. You were made for this and it is like playing a real life game of house from your childhood dreams. You get to care for your new baby, you meet every one of their needs and in return, you receive all of their love and attention. But then things can change, maybe your child’s growing up, your partner’s work schedule changes, or you add another baby to the mix, and suddenly playing house isn’t as fun anymore and the mental load has quickly become too much. Now, it is a real shift in the dynamic of playing house to thinking about all of the things you have to get done all of the time and that mental load becomes heavy, fast. This is the moment when you need to sit down with your partner and have a conversation because no matter how supportive they may be, you have fallen into a pattern of being the default parent. You are the one who has happily done all of these things for all of these years and suddenly, it is too much.
Simply put, it all works, until it doesn’t work. You may be in a stage of parenting where you have put systems into place, you know what works and doesn’t work, your household is running smoothly, but in an instant, the seasons change and things don’t work as nicely as they once did. Plan check ins with your partner to reevaluate what you need to help with your mental load, even if you are the default parent, their help and support is so very needed.
Just as it is so important to check in with your partner to help lessen the load of parenting, it is so important to check in with yourself as well. And lucky for you, Libby has created an amazing daily check-in journal called, the Honest Moms Journal: The Struggling Mom’s Guide to Struggling Less. This is a great tool to help mom’s hone in on your self-awareness and see how you are doing through these tough stages of motherhood. This journal features a morning and evening guided page with quick prompts.
The morning will ask you to share something that will make your day easier and something that could make your day harder, and then asks you what you will prioritize that day, productivity, peace, or presence. You cannot do all three at the same time, so which one will you choose to prioritize each day. For example, if you choose productivity one day you can go through your to-do list and let go of the guilt of not playing a game with your kids, because they next day you may choose presence. This prioritization helps to set the expectations of your day.
The evening prompt helps you to focus on all of the positives of the day and also asks you to share what you are feeling guilty for and what can you do with that guilt. This journal is a realistic view of your current season of motherhood. It is a journal that helps you to set realistic expectations and priorities so at the end of the day you are not focusing on all the things you did wrong and can give yourself grace and shift your mindset so you are not so hard on yourself. It is a tool to help to strengthen your skills to develop self-compassion, and have a gentler motherhood.
The mental load of motherhood is so very heavy. We all struggle. We are all doing too much, but as always mamas, we are not alone.
Be sure to connect with Libby Ward over on Instagram and TikTok as well as on her website. Libby is sure to inspire you and make you feel so seen on all of her platforms!
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
