You know that voice inside your head that tries to tell you that you are a bad mom? That yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach that you aren’t a good enough mother? The dreaded mom guilt.
In this week’s episode of the You, The Mother Podcast , I welcomed Erin Morrison to discuss what is mom guilt and how can we navigate it. Erin is a conscious parenting coach practitioner. Erin holds two master’s degrees from Columbia University in psychological counseling along with a certification in conscious parenting. Erin uses a blend of western and eastern approaches to guide parents into feeling more connected to themselves and ultimately their kids. Known as the conscious mom on Instagram, Erin shared down to earth, realistic parenting support. Erin has a private practice where she offers 1:1 individual sessions.
What is mom guilt?
Erin says, “I think it’s the running script, dialogue, or narrative in our head that no matter we choose and no matter what intention we have it’s not enough.” “She shares the example, “imagine you are standing at the sink doing the dishes and you look at your child and think I should be playing with them, or you are playing with your child, and you look at the dishes and you think I should be doing the dishes. Mom guilt is the feelings that no matter what we choose we feel like we are lacking.”
Modern motherhood has given us so many beneficial tools. One especially being the internet. We have information and education readily available at our fingertips and so many opportunities to plug in for community and support. However, with these advancements have been some new opportunities for mom guilt to occur. The comparison trap one can fall into on social media being one, and the information overload causing overwhelm being another. It is important to be mindful with how we are using these resources and staying true to ourselves.
How can we navigate mom guilt?
As mothers we often fall into the unhelpful thinking of the “should.” All the things we “should” being doing. Erin says we can lean into these thoughts by, “let’s get curious about it. Where does this come from?” She goes on to explain that “sometimes the ‘should’ are a good thing. Sometimes it’s telling us where we want to be and what we are needing. Sometimes it’s an external voice that isn’t nice. Is it coming from within or externally. It’s important to identify where this voice is coming from and if it aligns with you.”
I give an example of how I am guilty of falling into the “should” that leads me to burnout. This year as we were winding down to the beginning of the school year, I wanted to make the last couple days of summer great and memorable. When I get curious about why I am doing them it comes from good intentions, but as I said it leads me feeling burnout and it is not the version of me my children need nor is it experiences, they are desiring either. When I reflect on the times, I am overdoing I often ask myself, “Is this the parent my child needs?” We usually are already doing enough. Your child needs you just as you are.
Erin shares, “it’s important to take a step back and ask ourselves the why behind the things we are doing. Is this coming from a place of not feeling like a good enough mom or is it coming from a place of wanting your child to feel safe and secure?”
Shifting from what does a perfect parent look like to what does a perfect parent feel like.
It’s ok to change your priorities and evolve in motherhood. We can change our minds about what’s important, what works, and what doesn’t work.
Erin jokes about, “do you have a child who is the emotional barometer for the family? The kids that does not fall in line with the dysfunction of the family? The kid that says this is too much. If you do, it can be helpful to lean in and reassessing what and why we are doing things. Am I doing too much? Do we need stillness?”
How to navigate mom guilt that comes up when we show up imperfectly in our motherhood?
We have all been there at some point. Maybe you yelled at your kids, you dropped the ball on an activity, you forgot to pack the lunch for school, or showed up short in some other way. And so, begins the narrative of, “I’m the worse mom ever.” Mom guilt can tell us something. It can tell us we don’t like something. We are imperfect and messy, and we must allow ourselves room to make mistakes. It is, however, what we do after we made the mistake that can then put us on a different trajectory. If you are used to beating yourself up – please have compassion for yourself. If we can feel compassion for ourselves, we can model self-compassion for our children.
It’s good to start having that conversation internally of, “hey I don’t like being the yelling mom, how am I going to show up differently, and how am I going to do better at the repair?”
Mom Guilt is a good tool. Self-awareness is important. Let’s better understand ourselves so that we don’t pass on these unhealthy traits. Just like modeling good behaviors is important for our kids so is modeling apologies, that its ok to be messy, and how to have accountability.
And the million-dollar question: How can we get rid of mom guilt?
We can’t. But we can work through the layers.
Ask yourself, What do I subscribe to? What are my priorities and what beliefs and values do I want to align with in my motherhood journey?
I think it’s healthy to feel bad when we treat our children disrespectfully. Our children are going to make mistakes, the same way we are, and our children are deserving of a loving and respectful relationship with their parent.
It is important to shift how we talk to ourselves and how we treat ourselves. Call into question why we are beating ourselves up? Learning how to let it go when we show up messy and show up better tomorrow. We get to choose who are we and who we want to be in our motherhood journey.
Your kids want the version of you that loves you. Finding you, the mother, is the most important thing we can give to our children.
Be sure to check out Erin Morrison on her website www.theconsciousmom.com and over on Instagram @itstheconsciousmom
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
