The mental load of motherhood has become a buzz word over the past couple of years. We are finally hearing more and more conversations about the mental load mothers are carrying, but with all these conversations it often does not feel as though there is a solution or take aways for how to manage the mental load. It is important to identify ways in which to manage the mental load in motherhood to prevent burnout.
In this week’s episode of the You, The Mother Podcast, I welcomed Dr. Morgan Cutlip to discuss managing the mental load of motherhood. With a master’s in Human Development and Family Science and a Ph.D.in Counseling Psychology, Dr. Morgan Cutlip is a relationship expert and the cofounder of My Love Thinks, an organization that creates educational content to help people have lasting and loving relationships. Throughout her career, she has helped hundreds of thousands of people worldwide learn how to form and maintain healthy relationships. She has been a featured relationship expert with Teen Vogue, The New York Times, Womens Health Magazine, and Flo, the #1 app in health and fitness, and shares practical relationship advice on Instagram @DrMorganCutlip.
What does it mean when we talk about the mental load of motherhood?
The mental load, the invisible load, or the invisible labor is something each of us feel. It is the running list of all the things that we, as women, do in the home. Research shows that this load is primarily carried by women, but we do know a few men here and there that fill this role. This running list includes all the things we manage, we organize, we purge and clean out, the emotional work we do, the worry work we do, and more. There are two pieces to this. One, this work is invisible, we don’t get much credit for it, and it’s something that our partners don’t really understand. And two, it takes up cognitive capacity – it takes up space in our brains and it crowds things out.
That state where you are trying to communicate with your partner that you are overwhelmed and maxed out but it’s hard to explain with what. It’s so hard to articulate, but it also crowds out a lot of other things. It makes it harder to get in a sexy state of mind, to relax, the list is always running, and it can make you feel like you desperately need a break from your life.
The mental load of motherhood is a powerful phrase because it allows you to know you are not alone. It’s not just you that feels like this.
Why does this happen? Because of something called, ‘Piling on Precedence.’
The mental load gets heavy because prior to having kids you don’t really come into the relationship delegating who will get what roles. This is true prior to having kids as well. You don’t really know what roles need to be assigned prior to having kids. Before kids things are just fun and you naturally fall into roles. Pilling on precedence is when you do things for your partner out of love and care, but you do them so often that they become your responsibilities. When you take care of things without conversation or visibility your partner removes that duty from their awareness. This isn’t malicious and often isn’t even a conscious thing. Once a baby is added to the mix those responsibilities overnight exponentially grow. You are already maxed out and now you bring a kid into the mix and now you are at your tipping point.
How do we stop losing ourselves in relationships?
As moms we put ourselves at the bottom of our to-do list and do everything for others, but it is always at our expense. We hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations. Comparison trap, societal standards “work like you don’t have kids, and mother like you don’t care about anything else” – It is really hard being a woman in our modern society.
It’s not just about handing off responsibilities and it’s not just about the mechanics of the home. It’s about how do moms relate to themselves and get to a place where we deal with these internal stories that get in the ways of us asking for the help that we need or feeling like we have some kind of healthy entitlement that we can ask for what we need.
Some of us get caught up in the maternal gatekeeping of tasks and responsibilities. This is where we may push our partners out due to the thinking that we can do it all, we do it best, and I’ll just do it so it gets done right. The reality, we don’t have the capacity to do it all.
Many of us get stuck in the thinking that “mom does it best,” but is it best for mom? It’s not. The reality is that when we do all these things, we run ourselves ragged and get burnout. This burnout causes us to build resentment as partners and we become more frustrated and less patient as moms. The result, all of our relationships suffer, and we suffer.
Intensive mothering is a concept from the late 80s early 90s from Sharon Hays which has 5 defining constructs:
- Essentialism – The belief that .om does it best.
- Fulfillment – The belief that parents should be fulfilled by their children.
- Stimulation – The belief that our children should be stimulated, educated, and engaged in all the things.
- Child-centered – The belief that our life revolves around our children.
- Motherhood is draining – The belief that raising children is draining and the suffering just comes with the job.
These are not helpful constructs as they up the standards so much. In Hays research it was found that essentialism, child-centered, and the belief that it’s draining were the most impactful in relation to a more difficult time in parenting, more stress, more depression, and lower life satisfaction.
We can avoid losing ourselves by tuning into the belief that you are buying into. Are you buying into these beliefs? Do you believe mom needs to be perfect? You might not believe it, but are you living out that?
We must challenge these beliefs and really look at if these pressures we are putting on ourselves are serving us. The key to avoid losing we is revising these beliefs. Mothers are whole humans. We do not give that up when we become mothers, we take on this new role that’s expansive, beautiful, and challenging.
When it comes to the division of duties with our partners it can feel like it’s one more job. Now I’m the manager for making sure my partner is chipping in. We can navigate this time precedence by making sure we are viewing it appropriately. When we get in the mentality that “our partner should just know,” it brings up resentment, anger, and can feel like our partner is just resistant to helping. We must undo the precedents that have been created in our dynamic that no longer are serving our families well. We must ask them for help. I know, I know…. It feels like one more thing to do, it’s annoying, and the list could go on, but we must start communicating with our partners.
Let’s rebrand “asking” with “involving and teaching.” There might be some growing pains and on-the-job training that happens as we begin to delegate tasks to our partner, but to undo all the things that we have piled on ourselves, we must go through the teaching period.
Another way to undo some of these precedents is by making the things you do visible. With your partner, run down the list of all the things you contributed to the home/family that day. It may seem silly, but now your partner knows all that is involved. The work becomes less invisible. We can also change the dynamic here by allowing them to know all that’s involved so that next time it is their turn.
The gateway out of the mental load is communicating. The mental load isn’t just about responsibilities, it’s about feeling appreciated as well.
Checkout Dr. Morgan’s formula for a compliment that makes you feel visible and valued.
Struggling with letting go of control? You are not alone. Look at:
- Within – the stuff we are responsible for, and we can do something about.
- The between – the conversations with our partner, negotiations, and the logistical piece.
The within piece is where we have to be careful with the stories that we tell ourselves and our behaviors that are linked to these stories.
Behaviors that backfire:
- Micromanaging
- Impatience
- Keeping score
- Personalization
- Criticism
Once we raise awareness to these behaviors, and we can replace them.
Give yourself permission to do what you need in that moment. Do you need rest? Do you need to wipe the counters because it will make you feel better, or can they wait? Do you need connection with your family?
SHARE THE LOAD! The mental load of motherhood is exhausting, but we can work to manage the load. Bring your partner and your helpers in to be involved and make sure to communicate.
Check out Dr. Morgan Cutlip over on her website and be sure to give her a follow on Instagram for more insight regarding our relationships and managing the mental load of motherhood!
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
