I am a mother of four, ages 12, 5, 4, and 2. It’s a busy season I am in right now. Juggling the demands of a busy toddler, kids who do not sleep through the night, and tiny people that depend on me for meals, snacks, clothing, bath time, big kid schoolwork, sports, schedules, and more feedings.
The feedings never stop.
They are constant.
I lay in bed at night thinking about the never-ending to-do list.
I really need to sign the kids up for fall activities before deadlines come.
The big kid needs a haircut.
What are we doing for the upcoming holidays?
Did I remember to wash the sweatshirt for tomorrow?
The mental load of motherhood is a lot. We talk about it all the time and if the pandemic put a big spotlight on anything for families it was the load mothers are carrying.
The unpaid work. The expectations. The invisible work.
I don’t know about you, but I often find myself trapped in a vicious cycle of trying to carry it all, be it all, and do it all. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard to admit I need a break. It’s hard to step away and take the break if I do end up saying those words out loud.
But oh, my word, I NEED A BREAK.
I need alone time. I need something for me.
Motherhood will do this to you. Swallow you up if you don’t push back. If you don’t demand a piece for yourself while you give all the others to those demanding little people, you brought into this house.
And so, as hard as it is, I demand pieces for me.
I am a person.
I am a worthy member of this family just as much as the rest.
My needs deserve attention just as much as anyone else’s.
My toddlers have this really fun habit of eating what feels like 87 breakfasts, and I’ll admit, I created this ordeal that is the breakfast feeding frenzy. I make cereal for the big kid, pancakes for the preschoolers, and eggs for the toddler that then get shared with one of the preschoolers…
And without pause as soon as I am finished serving different breakfasts to each child, someone is done and still hungry for something else.
I used to let these feelings wash over me. The resentment, feeling like no one cares about my needs, no one cares that I have yet to make myself breakfast, and feelings of hopelessness, feeling like I’ll never get to me at this rate. We have to be out the door soon.
And then one day, I stopped.
I hopped off the pity party train and started demanding a piece for myself.
After everyone has been served his or her first breakfast, it is mom’s turn.
It is mom’s turn to eat her breakfast and drink her coffee. Ok, the coffee part rarely happens before I am scrambling to the next thing, but for me…
I must eat. If I don’t eat, I’m not a good mom. I am crabby, I lack patience, and I struggle to guide them through their emotions rather than shutting them down. I want to be the mom who is present, calm, and patient. And that mom needs food.
My self-care since becoming a mother of four young children has changed drastically to say the least.
My nails are no longer perfectly manicured and well maintained.
The stack of books on my nightstand are gathering dust, I miss reading.
Girl’s nights are few and far between.
The amount of actual time I am all alone is pretty much zero.
My self-care now looks like making sure I feed myself and drink enough water. It looks like doing my laundry because having a full basket makes me on edge. It looks like going to therapy when I need it. It looks like communicating my needs with my husband and family. It looks like surrounding myself with people who treat me kindly. It looks like getting outside. It looks like chatting with other moms and venting about the 87 breakfasts I made this morning.
It is beyond hard to balance time for me when I am everything for them.
But this is how I try to make it happen:
- Taking small breaks throughout the day
Sometimes that looks like locking myself in the bathroom for longer than I need to while the little’s play safely on the other side of the door. Sometimes that looks like drinking my coffee before it goes cold. Sometimes it looks like sitting in my car for 5 minutes before I walk inside to the mess that is waiting. Commit to something small.
- Communicating my needs
Communicating my needs before they spill over and fall out into a fit of anger. It is so common for our unmet needs to present as rage and anger. When the toddler is having a hard time listening and I am struggling to find my patience and teach in the moment… I voice it. “Mommy is feeling frustrated right now, I need to take a minute.” Or if my husband is around tagging him when it’s needed. I think as women we are so conditioned to not voice our needs, but we also control so much of the temperature of the house. The old saying “happy wife, happy life,” exists for a reason. Say what you need… for everyone’s sake.
- Adjust my expectations
It sounds great to have this magical alone time where I draw a bubble bath and self-care it up, but the season I am in right now… it’s just not happening. Sometimes balancing time for me means getting the kids involved. I am not a homebody. I need fresh air. I need a change of scenery or a sense of adventure. So, I adjust my expectations, load the kids up, and go for a walk or hit the park. That little change in perspective not only meets my needs but gets them moving and their self-care in too.
- Protect my energy
I have become very intentional about who and what I spend my energy on. I am mindful of the comparison trap that steals my joy. I am no longer afraid or feel guilty about declining an invite or saying no to someone. It is the most important thing I have done for myself to create boundaries around my time and energy while raising four small children. Think about that empty cup that you can’t pour from… don’t waste drops on things that aren’t serving you.
I’m going to say it one more time…
It’s hard balancing my needs when I am everything for them…
BUT, as it turns out, taking the steps to honor my needs has benefited my whole house. It’s hard mama, so pack your grace, get creative, and keep a piece for YOU.
