Are you finding yourself grieving the loss of the “before children” version of your relationship? So many people spend their days thinking about life before the kids, before they lost themselves, a different type of relationship with their partners. It has been said, you will grieve your relationship 1000 times. Throughout your life, you will form new relationships with your partner, you will be married to a completely different person so many times and that is okay because you are growing and changing and adapting. We spend so much time talking about the motherhood identity of finding this new version of ourselves after baby, that we at times fail to realize that there is a partner identity. Your relationship also needs to find a new version of itself and that is what this episode explores.
On this episode of You, The Mother Podcast, I talked with Dr. Tracy Dalgleish. Dr. Tracy is a psychologist and couples therapist in Ottawa, and for over 15 years, she has provided direct clinical services as well as researching, writing, and speaking about relationships. Dr. Tracy focuses on helping mothers improve their relationships and reconnect with their partners. Dr. Tracy spends this episode talking with us about how to be more intentional in our relationships. Dr. Tracy makes clinical knowledge and research accessible to people through her contributions to popular media sites including Mother.ly, Huffington Post, Bustle, her podcast, I’m Not Your Shrink, and online webinars.
She is married to her husband Greg, a mom of two young children and the owner of Ottawa’s Mental Health clinic, Integrated Wellness, she knows what it is to carry a full load when it comes to motherhood and relationships.
This is Dr. Tracy’s second time on the podcast. You can find our previous conversation, Maintaining Intimacy in Parenthood, here.
“I thought the hardest thing I would ever have to do is write my PhD, and then motherhood came along.”
After starting to feel really dissatisfied with the discourse, especially in the media, surrounding motherhood, Dr. Tracy decided to do something different and take what she was doing in her therapy sessions and offer it to the public. She spends her days helping women and mothers break the old cycles, heal the old wounds and feel like a team again with their partner.
Research says the first three years after giving birth, 67% of couples will report a significant decline in their marital satisfaction. While that is a hard fact to hear, it shows us that we are truly not alone in the relationship struggle. We often get caught up in the comparison trap, looking at couple’s highlight reels or Instagram posts of their fun night out, but what we are not seeing are the numerous fights they may have had getting to that nice moment they posted about.
When we are thrown into parenthood, it is so easy to lose sight of ourselves, put ourselves on the back burner, and put our self care and our relationships last on our to-do list.
We have entered a season that no individual is immune to. A season where we are pulled apart to take care of our children who are dependent on us but also have to foster a relationship with our partner.
So how do we be intentional and make time for each other in our relationships?
All or nothing mentality:
Do you find yourself saying, “You can’t get a babysitter” or maybe, “we’ll be tired the next day.” These phrases are said far too often by parents and although maybe during this season you can’t go out and spend a nice night with your husband, you instead sit on the couch across from each other, barely communicating. This all or nothing mentality can cause such resentment in a relationship because your focus is on all that you cannot do while you in turn end up doing nothing together.
How to Fix this: Dig down deep and pull out the things that you once did in those early relationship days. Remember what was part of your daily ritual. Did you meet your partner at the door with a kiss or hug after a long day, or did you send a few sweet texts throughout the day? Start those rituals again. Just because you are not getting to spend a nice night in a hotel where no one needs you the next morning, doesn’t mean that you cannot connect in other ways.
You do nothing mentality:
Maybe you are finding yourself in a mindset of thinking your partner does “nothing for you,” when in reality, they in fact do SO much for you. There are times where the mental load of motherhood will push aside any recognition of what our partner does for us and instead replaces it with the overwhelming thoughts of our never ending to-do list. While we can validate that sometimes the invisible things can far outweigh the visible things in our partnership,this mentality can lead to the feelings of “you do absolutely nothing for me” which can put such a strain on a relationship.
How do we fix this: Be vulnerable and tell your partner what you are missing. Often times it is YOU that you are missing. You miss the intimacy with yourself, so what can you do? Take a girls trip, go for a walk, go out for a night, and do what is good for your soul. You will back to a partner that you have missed and you will feel rejuvenated and notice that spark between you two is reignited.
What’s next though? How do we navigate keeping the spark or the lust alive and not just falling back into the typical motions of your relationship?
Continue to make time for you– Make sure you have a separate self – have your own friend groups, own hobbies, own interests, read a book on your own, going for a walk, take a yoga class. You do so much with your partner that these moments by yourself allow you to miss your partner and make you excited for the times you do get to spend together.
Put it on the calendar – Personally, plan a day one week that you want to be intimate with your partner. Spend the day thinking about your moments together, send the sexy text, set the mood. Remind yourself this is the day so even if they annoy you with socks on the floor, those little annoyances will not get in the way of your intimate time together.
Bits of connection: Not every interaction or touch needs to lead to an orgasm. If your partner asks how your day is, know that they are interested in you and want to know more. An interested partner is pretty sexy right? Maybe your partner touches your back as they walk by you, don’t let it go unnoticed. All of these little bits of connection build tension, a tension that you realize has been lacking in relationships since becoming parents.
Little bits that lead to big results:
- Give your partner a 6 second kiss, do this frequently and notice what happens when you are not just going in for a quick peck
- Try a 30 second hug – wrap your arms around them and linger there a bit longer.
What about the messy moments?
You know how you give your kids permission to have their restraint collapse when they come home from school, daycare, or grandmom’s house? You let them have all of the big feelings because they spent all day being on their best behaivor. The same can be said for the way we act with our partners. We show them all of our messy parts because we just spent all day trying to be on our best behaivor. Now, this is not an excuse to be abusive to our partner, but it is a time for both you and them to have compassion to deal with the messy stuff.
Clean up the mess:
When you experience the messy moments with your partner, realize there is an opportunity to clean up the mess. Couples who can stay connected and intimate and feel close know to go back after their restraint collapse and say, “I made a mistake, it was messy, that was about me and next time I will try and do XYZ.” We all have messy moments with our partners but the repair will make your relationship stronger.
How can we be more intentional in creating boundaries with our partners?
This can take a lot of pausing and reflecting. Notice when you are triggered, what feels good to you and what doesn’t and practice sharing that with your partner.
Empathize with the other person.
When we are triggered, acknowledge the negative cycle that is going to take over. Be able to stop your negative cycle where you go off the rails and start to go down the rabbit hole of everything that is wrong. Realize that you are about to go into this negative cycle and press pause. You may need to step away for a few moments and that is okay. Going for a walk can help to create these boundaries between you and your partner. As you grow and change, continue to talk about your needs with each other.
Dr. Tracy ends the conversation with reminding us all that we are not unique (but not in a bad way!) There has been so many times she has met with couples that she wishes could have talked to the couple before to make them realize, they are not alone in this journey. We are all navigating this journey of being intentional in our relationships, and luckily we have each other to talk to and amazing resources like those found on Dr. Tracy’s website, instagram, and podcast to help!
Supporting You, The Mother,
Abbey Williams, MSW, LSW
